Client Stories

“A lawyer was walking down the street and saw a car accident. He rushed over and started handing out business cards.”

Someone asked, "Are you an ambulance chaser?" He replied, "No. The ambulance was too fast, so I came straight here."

“A lawyer, a doctor, and a priest walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says:”

"What is this, some kind of joke?"

“A client called his lawyer and asked: "How much would you charge me to answer three questions?" The lawyer said: "$500." The client said: "Isn't that a lot?"”

"Yes," said the lawyer. "Now what's your third question?"

“A man went to a lawyer and said, "I'd like to make a will but I don't know where to start." The lawyer said, "Don't worry, just leave it all to me."”

The man looked shocked. "Well, I knew lawyers were greedy, but that's a bit much!"

“Two lawyers are in a bank when armed robbers burst in. While the robbers take everyone's wallets and jewelry, one lawyer stuffs something into the other's hand.”

"What's this?" the second lawyer whispers. "The $100 I owe you."

“An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position. The interviewer asked: "What is 2 + 2?" The engineer pulled out a slide rule and said, "Approximately 3.99." The physicist did a calculation and said, "It lies between 3.98 and 4.02."”

The lawyer locked the door, closed the blinds, leaned in and whispered, "What do you want it to be?"

“A lawyer dies and goes to heaven. "There must be a mistake," he says to St. Peter. "I'm only 40."”

St. Peter checks his notes: "According to the hours you've billed, you're 97."

“A new client walks into a big law firm and says, "I want to sue my neighbor." The lawyer asks, "What did they do?" The client replies, "They built a fence six inches onto my property."”

The lawyer says, "That's an easy case. We can definitely win this. It'll only cost you about $50,000." The client says, "$50,000 for six inches?" The lawyer says, "Wait until you see what I charge per inch."

“A man phones a lawyer: "How much do you charge?" Lawyer: "$500 for three questions." Man: "Isn't that expensive?"”

Lawyer: "Yes. What's your third question?"

“Satan approached a lawyer and said, "I have a deal for you. I'll make you the most successful lawyer in history. You'll win every case, make partner in a year, and retire at 45 as a billionaire."”

The lawyer thought for a moment and said, "Sounds good. But what's the catch?" Satan smiled: "I want the souls of your wife, your children, and your parents." The lawyer leaned back and said, "Okay, but what's the catch?"

“A lawyer opened the door of his BMW when a car came along and knocked the door clean off. When the police arrived, the lawyer was hopping mad. "Officer, look what they did to my BMW!" he screamed.”

"You lawyers are so materialistic," the officer replied. "You're so worried about your car that you didn't notice your left arm was ripped off." The lawyer looked down and screamed, "My Rolex!"

“A lawyer is sitting at his desk when a beautiful woman walks in. She says, "I want a divorce." He says, "On what grounds?" She says, "About two acres."”

He says, "No, I mean what's your reason?" She says, "Oh, we have a two-car garage but only one car." He sighs: "I need a reason for the divorce." She replies, "He doesn't communicate with me."

“A small town that only had one lawyer was struggling — the lawyer was starving. Then a second lawyer moved to town.”

Now they're both doing very well.

“A defending attorney was cross-examining a coroner. "Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the man's pulse?" "No." "Did you listen to his heart?" "No." "Did you check for breathing?" "No."”

"So when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?" The coroner rolled his eyes and replied, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."